I just gave myself the best pep talk ever. If this feeling of dread doesn't go away now it never will :) I be fine. I just wait and see.
Congratulations, AJ and Lisa!! (click for story and pictures).
I've been going around all day since I got AJ's email, telling myself how selfish and stupid I was being for still being so stressed out after I heard about what was probably the most stressful yet amazing experience both of them have yet had. I really think that. I don't know what's wrong with me that I can't just let things flow however they're going to flow for me and spend my energy on thinking wholly of others.
Wanna hear something ridiculous? I'm going to have to ask my parents for almost all of my rent/bus pass money. This one week after I got a promotion that I've been hoping will stop me from asking them for money ever again. Why? Because payday comes two days after rent day and I had to make all these crazy late payments this month, paid partially to the amount of something like $360. I hate that.
I haven't written a good poem since Easter. That's like a whole month. I feel cheated. By myself. I've cheated me out of feeling fulfilled. This is so wrong.
Next time you see me, I will probably be uttering the phrase "This is so wrong", so get used to that. I'm losing faith in my talents. I think I'm losing faith in myself, to a certain extent. Just look at what it's doing to me on the corporate front, for god's sake. I've turned myself into a nervous wreck because why? Because I don't want a big nameless company to be disappointed in me?
This is all so wrong.
I used to be so laid back! What happened?
Posted by hKath at 12:49 AM ()
Thursday, April 25
You guys do know, of course, that I'm freaking out here while you're all ignoring me like the good puppies that you are.
I would like to point out for the sake of my sanity that there is nothing to fear but fear itself, and that even fear is overrated, except at night beside the dumpster where I... used to work.
Posted by hKath at 3:13 AM ()
Wednesday, April 24
So I had this dream last night. It involved going to the new store, but then it morphed into a street scene. I was walking along with MC and we saw a big ferris wheel and some other rides: a street fair. There was this crazy ticket price, like 7,964 tickets for $15. I was about to buy that package, but MC showed me that there was also a bracelet that let you into anything for $2. I felt like an idiot.
So today, I went to the new store. It's nice. I mean niiiiiiiice. And they have Lost In Space. And lots of other stuff. An arbitrarily colorized version of Night of the Living Dead with blue-headed, green-handed zombies who go to sea in a sieve.
But the creepy thing, is that there was a fair being set up in the parking lot there. And that's when I remembered my dream. Doodoodoodoodoodoodoodoo...
There's also a 24-hour grocery store and a 24-hour bowling alley on either side. And for the first time in my life, I work in a mall. Well, not in a mall, really. Sort of... next to a mall. We don't have a mall entrance, but we're in the mall building. I like this concept, although you probably didn't think I would.
And I bought me some videotapes there, for the beginning of my Friends taping extravaganza which promises to last well into the new year before it drips down to once a week.
I'm becoming a mass consumer! And I like it!
Posted by hKath at 3:53 PM ()
Tuesday, April 23
Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. I just found an AMAZING picture for a website. And I have no more websites left to build. How disappointing. I wish my mom would take me up on my offer to make her one. I wish my parents would communicate with me. I feel bad. We had horrible timing yesterday - they called during Friends, my brain was fried out. An hour before, I'd called them, a little ball of nerves needing to talk. But in that hour my heart rate had gone down and my brain had gone into what I like to call a state of repose. So I answered all their (well, actually my dad's) questions with "uh-huh."
I left them a message today saying I'm sorry. But they haven't called back yet. Which is good, because I didn't have my phone with me.
Yes, I went to an interview and assured my district manager that my phone is with me at all times, when in all reality my phone was sitting at home AS I WAS SPEAKING THOSE WORDS. Aren't you proud of me? Aren't I a great liar?
I wrote this crazy-ass poem at Starbucks.
Yeah, Starbucks. The sacred temple of all that is coffee. If it'll piss him off I'll start drinking it right out of little starving children's hands. OK, so that's not true, and also it's offensive. And I'm sorry.
But yeah, so the poem was about this Jones soda that was sitting in the display case and it was just too orange. Too orange to deal with. It glowed. I mean, it emitted its own photons. So I wrote a cracked out poem about it, and left it on the table so that the next person who sat there could look up and see the radioactive soda and relate it to the poem. Sometimes I'm so cutesy I wonder that I'm a real person at all. Shouldn't I be on TV and edited for "good parts"?
Posted by hKath at 8:41 PM ()
Monday, April 22
Ok. There is some deeply evil force at work here. Scott Cohen? MY Scott Cohen? Is one of those people. Those people who say "Yeah no" all the time as if it's one word.
"So was working on Kissing Jessica Stein an enjoyable experience?"
"Yeah no, it was fun."
He is also here. I think that I shall go out and try to run into him. Then I'll beat all the yeahnos out of him. And THEN... only then... will he be allowed back in our closet.
Posted by hKath at 11:26 PM ()
Scott Cohen is going to be on Open Mike tonight, for all you interesteds. It's only going to make my job harder, though.
You see, tomorrow is one of those days. One of those days, you know, you get about two a year, when EVERYTHING happens, all crammed into one day. That's right. Tomorrow I have an exam at EIGHT THIRTY IN THE DAMN MORNING and then I have to rush over to my regional manager's store for an interview because baby, I'm getting promoted. Which is funny. Because, ready as I may seem, I will do my fair share of bumbling, I think. But don't we all?
I've noticed that about me lately. I won't do something unless I'm absolutely sure about it. Likewise I won't say something is true unless I'm absolutely sure it is. Weird, eh? I used to be a gossip mill, but there's no gossip anymore. Maybe that has to do with it.
Yeah, so tonight I was going to study for my Children's Lit test (otherwise known as my Chilluns Lit test) and go to bed early. Now on top of that I also have to memorize all these lame Blockbuster slogans and "mission statements" in order to do well on this interview. Maybe I just care too much about doing well. I could probably tell Jim I'm here to eat his children (*chillun!*) and he'd promote me anyway. He's desperate. Which, unfortunately, is not the most flattering situation to be in: picture me as the "oh well, she'll do" girl in the given circumstance. How... typical.
After the interview, I'm going to go over to my new store and see how their new system works, and see if they can't let me hang around for a while, and make arrangements about my shifts and see if I can't get a key to the store and stuff. And I'll learn all the door codes and security codes and safe codes and phone numbers. Stuff you don't want to realize you don't know once you're alone in a store.
For my exam, I need to know a poem inside and out, so I'll be ready with a poetic example in case I need one. So here's a poem by Dennis Lee that I think is sweet.
The Special Person
I've got a special person
At my day-care, where I'm in
Her name is Mrs. Something
But we mostly call her Lynn.
Cause Lynn's the one that shows you
How to Squish a paper cup.
And Lynn's the one that smells good
When you make her pick you up.
She smells good when she picks you up.
She knows a lot of stories
And she reads them off by heart.
There's one about a Bear, but I
Forget the other part.
She bit me on my knee once, cause I
Said she couldn't scream.
And then I sent her in the hall,
And then we had Ice Cream.
I guess I'm going to marry Lynn
When I get three or four.
And Lynn can have my Crib, or else
She'll maybe sleep next door.
Cause Jamie wants to marry Lynn
And live here too, he said.
(I guess he'll have to come, but he's
Too Little for a bed.)
AWwwwwww. An interesting thing I should remember for my test tomorrow is the use of capitalization.
I have too much to do and will probably do nothing.
Posted by hKath at 8:43 PM ()