People are supposed to be egocentric. They're supposed to live their lives like a movie in which they're the main character. So what's mine? All I ever find myself wanting is to disappear. I have these fantasies of lying on the ground and of being sucked into the earth, just gone. Of walking away and slowly going from opaque to transparent. Fantasies not just of not waking up one morning, but of the bed being empty. Maybe my bedclothes lying in the space my body would occupy if it was there. Fantasies of my phone ringing forever, unanswered.
Posted by hKath at 2:20 PM ()

=============================

Friday, April 25

Well. I certainly wasn't expecting Dave to appear last night. I wasn't expecting irregularities of any kind. I wasn't expecting such strong feelings, either. I was practically passed out at the time though, so that might explain why the entire night has an uneven, skewed sheen over it.

I am so. tired. And, Fiona is moving today. And, although I've cleaned pretty much every minute I was home in the last week, I haven't even managed to finish the dishes I started on Monday (yeah, that's not really a testament to how many dishes we had, so much as a testament to the incredibly small amount of time I've had to myself this week). I don't frankly care about cleaning at this point. I wanted to clean the apartment before she moved. Duh, if your stuff is dirty, wouldn't you rather clean it before moving it into your new place? Wouldn't you rather pick up the million gazillion plastic bags on the floor and see if something you own is under them? Seems logical to me. But as little as I've been able to do this week, she's done less. I guess she's preoccupied about moving, but my brain is exploding over here.

And then I saw Dave last night and funnier still, there was a spot on the show shot at the Ontario Science Centre, a place that, no matter how many times I visit it, will always be our place. Weirder still, he was with a fruhead. Weirder even still, it was one I vehemently dislike, not because of any one decision I've made to dislike her, but because her every contact with me has caused me to tilt my head, knit my eyebrows and try hard to figure out what was wrong with her.

But seeing Dave was good. I'm not sure if that's because both of us were quite positive about the experience, friendly and well-wishing, or if it's because he seemed a bit lost, generally, and I don't feel lost anymore, so I felt pretty in control. Or it could have been what wasn't said, and was coming from both of us equally, I think. Regret. A strong sense of having belonged that can't really be erased no matter how much time goes by. None of these things happened the previous times I've seen him, but then we've never been so frank with each other, and so alone before.

I like that I can say the word "alone" and be referring to an event that involved Jian backing into me to the point where his ass was rubbing against my hand for like a full 3 minutes.

Dude. I was standing here first. The bar is practically empty. I'm not going to collapse myself into the wall because you're backing into me. Find somewhere else to have your little conversation. Who are you, my cat?
Posted by hKath at 1:25 PM ()

=============================

Tuesday, April 22

Now playing: Dan Bern - Old Mother Hubbard

I've been absent for a while. It's because life has been hectic hell. Hey, it's Easter week. Imagine my surprise, though, when I found out that I wasn't getting paid time and a half for EASTER SUNDAY!

I did get a nice long shift on Friday, though, so I'm pretty glad. But I just don't get it. Friday's a holiday, but because other people don't work on Sundays, it's not a holiday for those of us that do? Growl. What if I was really religious or something? Well, I guess then I would have asked for it off, wouldn't I?

My boss's wife is having some internal organ emergency which involves surgery. He's not allowed inside the hospital at all because of SARS, but still he spends eleven hours standing outside without a word and without even being allowed to use their bathroom (he has to walk a mile to a nearby mall).

I feel bad for them. I really like her, she hangs around us a lot and doesn't hate us. But it's the week after Easter weekend. And if you're going to hang around outside a hospital for eleven hours, why not spend a little time working - you don't have to spend your whole scheduled shift here, but please - the reason we have 3 people scheduled on Monday morning is that we need 3 people. Need. Not "would like", not "would appreciate"... need.

Although we probably could have survived much better yesterday if Brian had actually done anything. I came in and he was totally stressed out about returns (but not doing any), flipping out over having to call in the numbers to our District Manager (at 10 that morning) and nervous about having to move the New Release wall around for the new titles (which he left before doing) and pulling previously viewed tapes (which he left before doing). What's more, the store was such a mess (and the new titles weren't completely prepped yet, bitches) that we couldn't find the inserts for the new VHS titles. So, we had to print out inserts for them. I did about a thousand returns (at least, Dave assures me he counted them, and that there were more than a thousand), pulled all the previously viewed movies off the wall, transferred them, printed labels for them, then made space for a four-shelf new title and a bunch of smaller titles, all sometime between 5 and 12 last night, all wearing a skirt and freakin sandals, all between helping customers, all because Brian spent too much time freaking out and not enough time doing anything.

Growl.

I'm sorry. I don't want to talk about work. So let's talk about Moulin Rouge. I've been watching Moulin Rouge a lot lately. I pretty much hated it the first time I saw it. It reminded me of the kind of movie my boddice ripper-obsessed best friend from elementary school would have loved. If you absolutely have to stick "I Will Always Love You" into your movie, does it have to be the horrible Whitney Houston cover version? And do you honestly think that The Wallflowers' song "Heroes" is going to be remembered in 20 years? OK, so I pretty much still don't like it. Except that it has that Elton John song that's been in my head constantly for like the past two months.

I feel sooooo boring right now!!

Posted by hKath at 1:19 PM ()

=============================