Sunday, May 18

This has been the weirdest two days. The most charged. The busiest. The happiest. The touchingest (is that a word?). The oddest. The most disgusting. The scariest. It seems like everything is happening NOW.

And yet, I have to wait FOUR DAYS until the next concert I'm going to. This doesn't seem fair.

So anyway, one of the weird things about being on a cloud (as I am, since I just found out Fordy is opening for EFO in two weeks) is that you don't care about offensive things that happen around you. I was walking out of the subway tonight, going up the stairs and this guy (average guy, kind of attractive, early twenties) was going down the stairs opposite from me. I could only see the top of his head for a while, and he kept turning back and looking at me. Finally he stopped going down the stairs altogether and just stood there. When I got to the top of my flight of stairs I saw that he has his dick pulled out of his pants. So he goes, "Hey. You like it?" and I roll my eyes, round the corner and head for the next flight of stairs.

He follows me. As I'm at the foot of the stairs that will take me to ground level, he's standing at the corner that will take him to the platform. At this point, he's kind of flaccid, which is pretty hilarious come to think of it. He stops there and goes "Hey! Hey you! You like this?" and I say "Go to hell," in a bored voice and keep walking upstairs.

At ground level, the fare collector is sitting in his little booth (which, incidentally includes cameras - oblivious fuck, he could have been getting a free show). I go through the turnstile and then walk up to the guy. And this is, word for word, what I said:

"So, um. Guy down there just showed me his penis. I'm not sure if that's considered an offence?... Just thought you'd like to know."

I said this all of course in a very good mood, and then calmly trotted away thinking of concerts and emails and other happy things. Crazy? Maybe. Healthy? Maybe. I just hope I don't start having nightmares about being flashed in a year and realize that yes, it really did traumatize me emotionally.
Posted by hKath at 1:06 AM ()


Wednesday, May 14

So, I'm not sure if I mentioned it here, but I got my mother this book for Christmas... it's a book of questions for mothers and daughters to answer together. I thought it would be really good for us, because there are some things I want to tell her that I can't figure out how to approach, but I still waited about two years before buying the book. At the time, I wasn't sure I wanted to talk so openly about things like sex (which she doesn't know I've had), smoking (also doesn't know), sexual orientation (big question mark there). But finally I thought the best way to get onto these topics would be to create an atmosphere of sharing and acceptance, yadda yadda yadda.

The one thing I didn't take into account when I gave her the book was how fucked up *I* am about my family. She sent me answers to the first nine questions in the book, then stopped sending for a while because I wasn't really answering much. I couldn't help it. A lot of the questions were about ancestors, which is a pretty one-sided thing (since I won't be informing her of any secret family legacies any time soon), and the later questions were about siblings.

So yesterday I finally wrote to her asking what happened to the tenth question. But mostly my email was explaining why I hadn't responded, and just how raw the sibling thing still is. It's stupid, so stupid. I know tons of only children who don't give the fact that they're only children a second thought. It's just that I've been realizing lately that my relationships have been pretty much guided by the fact that I'm trying to create an artificial family. When my friends realize just how much I'm giving and how much I expect back in return, they tend to run away. They have their own families, they don't need to be obligated to me, too.

So my mom sent me back the story of our lame, tiny family. It was all stuff I knew (hey, I was there, and paying attention) but no one had ever told me the story before. About the foster parenting when I was two, and the ten-year waits for local adoption, and the $10,000 dollars it would have taken for international adoption (not to mention airfare and the cost of living in whatever country for 6 weeks), and anyway.

I don't know if I've just taken their disappointment for my own and carried it around all this time. I just know that I have so many buttons, and this is one of them, and I don't understand it. I can be fine, just going about my day, then someone says something, or I see something, and I just start to cry.

But, I also want to say (on a completely unrelated subject) that I've finally started a long poem (well, more of a suite of poems, really) I've been meaning to write for a while, and that I'm really psyched about it, and may be posting excerpts here. Really excited about it. Really.
Posted by hKath at 11:20 PM ()


I made a mistake today, and started the day by watching Sense and Sensibility, a movie I'd never seen before. I was about 14 when it came out and not too interested in Jane Austen, and since then I've just not taken the time. So I watched it today. Three hours later, I'm still here going "Damn, that was a good movie. Really good." but I haven't done anything yet.

But yeah, Ang Lee... what's with this guy? Everyone likes at least one Ang Lee movie. Which is why it's weird that a lot of people reading this are going "Who?" That shouldn't be.

But anyway.

I'm tired and am about to head off to listen to Fruit (courtesy of Fiona) and do my laundry. Phone me if ANYTHING AT ALL happens. I'm lonely.
Posted by hKath at 4:56 PM ()


Tuesday, May 13

So, two new poems. I just have to figure out which one I want to workshop tomorrow. I guess something good came out of showing up for the wrong shift today.
Posted by hKath at 11:41 AM ()