I am such a weak person.
That should read "I hope someone might be upset with me."
Because I do.
(my roommate is annoying the hell out of me)
Posted by hKath at 2:59 AM ()
I think someone might be upset with me for not contacting them when nearby and not having spoken to them for a while, essentially feeding a chasm between us. This is interesting. It's especially interesting since I know I'm doing it. I know, and I am sorry. I don't feel guilty, I'm not anguished, I'm just sorry, in a peaceful, sacrificial kind of way.
I am staying away from you now. I know we'd like to see each other. I also know that seeing you would mean more to me than it would to you. I can't hide from it anymore: you're just bad for me. It's the bottom line. You attach yourself to things, not people, and I know that at this point I'm no longer of any interest to you except as an interesting souvenir, an emblem of something that used to mean something to you, like pulling out photo albums filled with events that you only remember in theory. This must have happened, because there you are, right in the middle of it, six years old and smiling. I am tired of acting as evidence. It is heavy work to make up your past. It is heavier still to love you, who used to exist outside of me.
I am the buried photo who loves the smiling child within itself. Do not bother me with your heartbreaking archeology. Every judging glance you throw my way devalues us both.
Posted by hKath at 2:48 AM ()
Saturday, June 14
Ok fine. Changing everything, even though only 1 person has an opinion. Here goes.
Posted by hKath at 4:13 PM ()
Friday, June 13
OK, so I added a little bit o'fancy javaness because I had people (mainly Fionas) complaining about the whitespace. So here's a modified, sized version. You like? Does it work in Netscape? Let me know! :D
Posted by hKath at 4:36 PM ()
Wednesday, June 11
I have to leave here in two hours and before that I want to have a good first draft of... something. I don't care what at this point. Anyway, before that, I wanted to tell you all about my freaky dream on this, day 11 of non-smoking. I think the quitting smoking has something to do with it. I know they put a "May cause vivid dreams" warning on a lot of patches and stuff. In any case:
A few nights ago, I dreamed that I was at my parents' house. My mother gave birth to a dense ball of twigs or straw or hay. She was ushered off to the hospital and I was given the task of collecting the strange twig-ball and bringing it along, the way you bring a severed finger. I picked up the ball of straw. It was squishy and warm. It started squirming, so I screamed and dropped it. On the floor, it grew little legs and toddled around like an anteater, its back to me. I chased it around. When it finally turned to face me, I noticed that there was an inverted hole where the head should be, and that inside the hole was the face of Rivers Cuomo.
I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.
Posted by hKath at 3:57 PM ()
So, they kicked me out of my fiction class. They called me and asked me to drop it. I knew I wasn't supposed to be taking fiction and poetry workshops at the same time, but was it my fault the computer system let me enrol in them anyway? Now I'm browsing other classes. I just got a very well-timed email from my friend Jon saying he's enrolled in this class called Works & Days, exploring artists and their relationship to their art through biographical information and journals. So, I'm looking at the syllabus online, and well, I've already enrolled in it. Sometimes things work out for the better.
I'm a little nervous about this class though. It's pretty heavy-handed and our journals actually have to, like, *say* something. But, under all that hard work (and two, count them two presentations... someone get me an IV drip of some kind...) I'm pretty sure it's a class I'm destined to take. So, here goes. In my next entry, I will describe my fucking weird dreams to you. Wait for it in a few hours.
Posted by hKath at 3:12 PM ()
Monday, June 9
I'm tired. I don't think I'm making very good food choices lately, and it's making me tired and sick-feeling. That probably has a bit to do with the fact that I hadn't had any caffeine today. Also probably my not smoking is finally pissing my body off. It's about time. Today is day nine of no cigarettes. I'm doing awfully well. Especially considering that I still have an almost-full pack of cigarettes that I haven't touched since Friday before last but can't bring myself to get rid of. I'm the kind of girl who has to clean her plate. Who puts the leftover cucumber wedge in an individual baggie. I will not waste a perfectly good seven-dollar pack of cigarettes. It's kind of a conundrum. Maybe I could build a fort out of them.
Posted by hKath at 8:37 PM ()